December 22nd, 2009
CUPERTINO- Apple computer announced that it was attempting to make a new affordable laptop to help meet the needs of growing populations of hipsters in areas like Williamsburg, NY and San Francisco. The laptop is set to cost only $1,000USD- a price that many believe simply can’t happen.
“Apple cannot release a laptop for $1,000. This has been tried before. Either this will never see the light of day or the price will actually be twice that.” said Mick Flegropanti, an expert on inexpensive laptops from Cambridge, MA.
Others were shocked at the announcement, citing that Apple wasn’t properly assessing the needs of the poor, undereducated and malnourished hipsters in these harsh urban environments. “What hipsters really need is a constant supply of clean PBR and dropoffs of food supplies from a local, organic CSA. If they really need technology improvements from Apple it would be an iPhone that wouldn’t need to be replaced after falling in the toilet while vomiting cheap whiskey and sushi.” In the announcement however it was noted that the laptop would even survive if partially submersed in PBR and Bloody Mary’s, leading many to speculate that this technology might carry down later into the iPhone.
Earlier designs of the laptop included ones with a hand-crank to power it, but it was soon realized this would require physical exertion on the part of the woefully frail hipsters who are often weak from spending hours in the salvation army looking for trendy and ironic clothing.
Of course many hipsters don’t make money due to the economic fallout in their neighborhoods. They subsist on subsidies provided in the form of trust funds from richer family members like their parents, or maybe even grandparents. Keeping this in mind, Apple is making available a “Buy one, give one” program making it easy for parents to send the laptops to their children.
“No one expects hipsters to make their own living. It simply isn’t practical. The wages at their local coffee shop simply cannot meet the high rents of the area and also pay for their basic transportation needs like fixie bicycles and organic foods. Plus the debt they’ve accumulated through the five years getting those degrees in poetry and philosophy is just crushing to their local economy. With these laptops, it will be much easier for them to get a basic education- like a Master’s degree or PhD that they need to get by in today’s world.”
